when is it time for hospital

[outlander]

@Sans911 is great isnt she ❤

[Former-Member]

Anytime @outlander💤💤💤💗💗

[Sans911]

@outlander Morning hun. Your new avatar completely threw me this morning, but I like it. I'm sorry I wasn't on the forums for you last night, but I see you were well supported. You were most definitely in my thoughts before I went to sleep and when I woke up. I just had to take some time out.

I had a feeling during the time you were gone you were struggling with SI/SH thoughts. I'm so, so glad you managed to contain that. In a very short space of time, you've come to mean a lot to me. I just see so much potential in you, and are much as you are on a hellish situation right now & might be for some time, you need to hold on. There will be better times, for you and me. I don't think increasing your meds will help as @Former-Member said. What you need is to increase your coping skills and recovery from volatile situations.

Just keep going outlander one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I saw that you are organising some respite on your mother's return. That's a good idea. I'm just wondering if there is any mh respite centres near you. I think you live in country Victoria, is that right. Not sure how close you are to the capital. Here in my city, there are 2 such places. They aren't hospitals exactly, but they nurses, drs and OT. They're for patients who aren't needing an acute hospital admission or are being discharged from hospital. See if your GP or psychologist knows anything about them.

Do you get any sleep at all? I hope you got a little. It's a totally cool, rainy morning here today, not really good for much at all.

[Former-Member]

Hope you are coping with your probs @Sans911,and @outlander just focus on the next few days, getting the spot out and hopefully the respite you will have whilst your mother and her tool are away.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

[Owlunar]

.Hi @outlander

I am watching over you - I don't get notifications into my mail box but I can access the forum with my phone and I am reading a lot of what you write and always access your thread when I am on-line myself

Just to let you know - I feel like a guardian angel at times - and I know you can't always respond and actually - neither can I - but I just want to constantly let you know that you are not to blame for everything that happens in your so-called home - but yeah

This break in a hotel sounds like a good idea - or whatever @Sans911 suggested - and hey - you are of legal age and you don't have to tell your mother that you are going and/or where you are going - you are entitled to this and it is brilliant BRILLIANT - it's one step toward breaking away from them 

I guess you will still be looking after your Pop and working with the horses during the time you are away - it's fair to let people know you are okay - but yes - having a place to go away for the first time ever is a really good start

You only need to respond when you feel as if you can - I get it - you are a buzy person

I like your new pic too - it's more thoughtful - it indicates the change I have notice in your thinking

Dec

[MDT]

hey @outlander
had a quick read over your last few posts, am i right in saying that you are not at home atm? you are staying out of home in a hotel to get some room?
thats a good move if you are..
also i actually saw an episode of the tv show outlander yesterday.. wasnt a bad show haha.
anyway, hope you are going okay mate (btw is it okay if i call you mate? not sure i even checked)
you sound more assertive and direct in what it is you want/have to do for yourself too which is great to hear

[outlander]

Hello everyone

Thank you all for your loveley msgs

Istill have no idea what the next step is

I cant describe how im feeling

Ihave no words

a wreck

[Sans911]

@outlander it's ok, you don't have to have it all figured out what the next step is. Just rest and try to recover. Yesterday afternoon has taken a lot out of you. But you're still here. And you're letting us know you're safe, even if you aren't ok. You don't have to tell or anyone how you're feeling; sometimes there are no words. So just let everything wash over you for now. Catch up with us later when you're up to it.

[outlander]

Hello Everyone

I do feel an apology is in order. My antics the yesterday were really bad. I havent been that way for a long while.
I wont lie to you, last night I had many intentions of not being here today. I had to keep pulling over the car because all that was going through my head was 'let go of the steering wheel' 'that pole will do' that tree.... the SH urges were becoming unbearable and so were the thoughts. Sometimes when the thoughts get that bad the only option I find helps to an extent and that is to SH. I didnt want to do that so I drove.
I sat at the beach for an hour and drove around for 4 hrs that day/night in hopes of clearing the fog and seeing what I can do. That didnt happen and had to go home defeated. I rang lifeline because I couldnt gather my thoughts and I was afraid that when I was going to go home if something had of happened then I wouldve walked straight back out.
I avoided speaking, looking or being near anyone. Went into my own little world
I really wanted to die and tbh I still have those thoughts there but that would be giving up. Im not someone who gives up. It might take a while to come out with bumps and bruises but as long as we come out the other side.

I cant change that I have no one on the outside world, I cant change that im a mistake, I cant change that my family hates me but what I can change is how I act. I need to work out a way to get past this and how start changing things.
Im going to be going away for a few days when my mtoher gets back. I need to do it asap because I cant handle being here and if that means even just a few days a way then thatll have to do for now. Having a few nights away is literally going to take nearly all my wages for the week but I need to go. Having to resort to sleeping into my car isnt the best option and nor is sleeping on the streets.
I went back through my plan I came up with from going through the entire thread, and tried to remind myself of what I need to do now and whats important right now.
There are a few main priorities right now and that is mondays psychologist appointment, tuesdays operation, recovery, getting through the holidays, and studying. Above all else. Just get through the day.
Because 'this too shall pass' I just dont know when

@Sans911I was going to make my avatar blank. This one seems to be a good description without having words. You dont have to apologise or feel bad for not being here. I know your with me in spirit and its fine to take the time out.
I have both lifeline and KHL on speed dial at the moment. Im struggling beyong belief that I have no words. Nothing.
You mean a great deal to me too, a whole heap. I have to keep going right. We can help each other when we fall or we can just hug while we are down. Ive come to relise this is home. Being here is home. This is the positive thing in my life. You guys here are family. Blood doesnt make you family. Family are those who say by you no matter what. Here is what matters to me.
The only mh respite centre is the one id been to already. I think just getting away for a few days will be enough; I hope. Im in NSW, more towards the central coast not the borderline. And then theres one other which is a rehab and is a minimum 4 week stay. I dont want that. I just need a few nights away from everything.
I got 3 hrs sleep. Im overly anxious, more than overly but at the same time I feel so defeated. Its ahrd to explain but im sure you get it.

@Former-Member
im struggling Li1. I really am. I just have to get through the next few days. The next week will be the hardest im hoping. That has the surguries, tests, kids, work and everything in between. I need to take it moment by moment right now. Anything other than that is too overwhelming. Breath by breath right now.

@Owlunar
thank you for watching over me. It really does mean a lot.
Im trying to organise my time away. For a few days. I need it. My family are destroying me each day. Piece by piece im loosing something each day. During my time away, ill be taking time away from pop too. It wont be for long my stay away maybe 2 or 3 days. But unless he really needs me that others cant do ill be taking those days away from him too. The second job with the horses, ill still do. Ive already taken so much time off already. I dont want to loose it and those few hours out of my own head will help. I hope.

@MDT
I am home now. I got back late last night after 4 hours of driving around. I had to give in and come home. I think it wouldve been worse had I of stayed out. In the very near future ill be staying a hotel for a few days, taking time off from here all the responisbilities including caring for my pop. 2 or 3 days isnt much if he is well.
Outlander Is a great show, the books are just as great. I didnt name myself after that show initially though. It was because I felt like an outlander. Every where I would look or turn I was an outsider.
But I love that show too so got the idea from there.
Yes, Mate is fine

@Former-Member @Shaz51@Bubbles3@Maggie@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7 and others scattered through threads who I know follow
thank you all for being here also. Providing support, care and also our chats and distractions. Thank you so much. It really does mean a great deal to me.

[Bubbles3]

hope you are ok now @outlander