Over The Edge

[Former-Member]

Thank you for the well wishes everyone. @NikNik - thank you for your kind words and the numbers you provided, I wasn't aware of half of them. It's good to know these services exist as the situation with my daughter is dire. I am still waiting to wake up from that nightmare.

Thanks @Maggie for your ongoing support and friendship. Means a lot. How are you going?

oh yes @Former-Member, I think like you.  I went over in my own mind and with others who are close to me every single detail in my daughter's upbringing where I could of gone wrong, or which circumstance could of triggered her poor choices and MI now. And I have blamed myself many times. But in retrospect, and according to those who know me best who are always upfront with me - myself and hubby were good parents. Our love, support and kindness just wasn't enough for her. She likes the wild side and is now paying for it, and the worst is to come.

And yes, when I see mothers with their children I think to myself "treasure every moment", hold them and love them as they are precious. Don't let anything come before them, play with them and enjoy them as you never know what may happen tomorrow. The cliche - we never know what we have until it's gone. Those innocent years with my daughter were all too short. She is not the same wonderful child and person that she was. That beautiful innocent respectful child everyone loved and adored. I don't know her anymore 😢. 

Its not your fault at all @Former-Member. Our children grow and make their own choices and they can bring consequences. Drugs can trigger MI. I know that is the case with my daughter, I can't speak for all. And We have to sit back and watch the horror, which really isn't fair on us. I am reaching my tether. I feel like a sitting duck and somehow I have to take back control of my life.

My husband is very good to me. I don't know what I would do otherwise. He is worried for my physical and mental health. I have been acting out of character, I am not myself. It would appear as a result of my home situation I am suffering PTSD, but I am not one for labels really. It's a very traumatic situation and I feel captive to it. Something I need to change. There is much happening that I can't indulge in these posts, the situation is much more serious than I am letting on.

Normally I would keep busy as pushing myself forward really does help me to overcome depression and not be defeated. But I am still in bed healing from injuries and it's hard to push aside that cloud hanging overhead. I feel deeply depressed and empty. So I really appreciate this chance to talk and feel heard and supported. It's keeping me going. Thank you. I feel I have lost my world. If I did anything to deserve this I could accept it. It just seems so cruel 😥

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... 💕🌹

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

yes I do realise looking for answers, what happened to our beautiful child is not helpful for anyone.

what they are experiencing at the moment we cannot take away.

they are now adults living their own struggles as we have done and every other child will do. Each child with their own unique experiences of life.

so again 

I work very hard at living in the now.

I uses these forums as my journal to release my weighted thoughts,emotions to save me from sinking yet again into a deep depression.

In doing so I hope that others might come along in time to come and gain something from my ramblings.

you are experiencing so much at once at the moment. Your physical body has transported you from depression to ptsd perhaps even backwards and forwards.

You and I are and have experienced similar conditions of depression, ptsd for me about abuse, approximately 8years ago. It passes with determination and self belief. You can pass through this period, resting when needing to.

You are strong and have much love to give still, just need to step back a little and keep some of that love for yourself at the moment. I know these words only too well.

you have many good friends on here and rightly so. You have supported them.

breathe, rest, be at peace, you have no control over the future, The future is not yet written.

xxxxxx

[Former-Member]

Dear @Former-Member

I truly loved every word of your last post - it resonated through my whole being. Thank you for being such a wonderful support. I really do need it right now. And I feel stronger for it. Your posts aren't ramblings - their words of wisdom straight from the heart. And those type of words never lie.

Yes, I believe you are right. My demise in physical health has taken me backwards to being vulnerable once again to PTSD. All stress and trauma related.  I do understand totally what you mean by determination and self belief. I currently feel like the latter two have been literally beaten out of me by the constant self destructiveness and dangerous path my daughter has taken and the direct effect on me. Her latest escapades has directly endangered mine and my husband's lives. She is involved with dangerous people because of her addictions. I want to tell her to leave but she has nowhere to go. What a situation!

But you are right - living in the now is the best way to be. I just want to get my zest for living back so bad as I feel it is slipping away from me. 

 I need space from my daughter now - she needs to work this out somewhere else as it's having its devastating effects now and I can do no more. Its killing me. I am also not liking the person she becoming as she is now hurting others. Something I can't and won't ever tolerate. I can't believe what she is doing and I will never understand why. But she has no right now to inflict this on us. My distress is rising. 

Sorry for being so outright here about my situation but I so needed to get it off my chest.

I can be strong and have a lot of love to give - that is why I believe I am still here. We have suffered similar mental anguish and together we will get through this somehow. Thank you everyone for being there through my darkest night - I have a bit more of a journey before I hit the light. And I need your compassion to find the way.

But please don't think you can't share your problems with me because of what I am going through. Please let me know how you are all doing too. Support is a two way street. Lots of love xx

[Maggie]

@Former-Member@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@oceangirl Sharing a candle.

[Former-Member]

Ahh @Maggie - what a lovely vision to behold - a light shining for us in the dark. Please keep it burning for us.

Maggie is one of my favourite female names - it has such endearment 💕

Well lying here with not a whole lot to do - I have been thinking a lot. Most of it good today in the sense that I realised my forgotten dreams and goals that have been lost in this war of onslaughts to my mind and body over the last 10 yrs.

Then I remember how I always wanted to write a novel. A well researched story based on fact, fiction and the supernatural - all rolled into one that is relevant for today's society and its future prognosis. A great story I have here bottled up in my mind that I have had to put aside because of all the rubbish around me I have had to endure.

So I have decided to reinvent this goal. I will write that story once I move and have the peace to do so and I will start researching now as much as much as possible.

I also intended to have this novel adapted to a screen play and copyrighted. And here's what may seem the crazy part but I have this self belief - I will send it to a film director that I have in mind in the US, for him to read and hopefully like enough to be made into a movie. Big goal - but hey crazier things have happened and we will never know until we try. The future isn't written yet but the dream that creates it is in the making. And it all starts with a dream......

On the mental health side of things I find I could easily get comfortable being a recluse. I could easily retreat from the world with hubby at my side. I have to fight against this as it does feed depression; perception can become distorted as our minds have no challenge to what the reality really is. And we become what we think. I am trying to keep it all positive against the odds - looking for the little goods. And today that is the beautiful sunshine and the rebirth of a dream.....so far so good but can't make it a habit as life is about balance and connection - my reality behind closed doors currently is not a beautiful one, apart from my husband's undying love. A sheer testimony of its power - a good that everything seems hell bent on destroying. Me along with it. Let's keep that candle burning.....

I am in need of some insight as my web of emotional attachment is oppressing any freedom of thought and action. I have'nt a clue what to do about my daughter who is totally out of reality. She is telling people we are doing all sorts of horrible things to her the last few days - "I haven't even seen her or spoken to her". I have been laid up in bed and she been home only to sleep. My husband has been pleasant to her but also has kept his distance fearing repricussions. Her perception is gone.....and she is a habitual liar.

Does anyone have any advice of what I could do regarding my daughter? Should I confront her, stay away etc? Bearing in mind any time I show love or compassion she seeks to take advantage of it for her own agenda. And she shuns sound advice.  She likes to feel power over people. A sociopath? What do I do as a mother in this situation? - she does not listen to us.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am not sure what to tell you @Former-Member .... you know I have the same sort of problem with lack of insight in my husband .... but I just wanted to let you know I am listening to you .......

💜💐💕

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I too am unsure as what to say as my own choices have been clouded, but I too am listening.

The dream, keep it burning, you never know what Hollywood will bring to your doorstep. I have a dream. I write songs about my experiences. My dream is to get them recorded. I've done some singing in the past so I hope to produce a cd to give to weary wondering people like us. Just a bit of company and understanding along the road. Who knows, I might read your book, watch your movie, and you might listen to my cd!!!!!

Just a spark is enough, we will keep blowing till it becomes a flame, then a fire. The candle will always be burning.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope - it does mean a lot to me that you are there. I do understand we are struggling similarly - only difference really being a different type of family relationship. It's so hard isn't it? We love them but need to protect ourselves and others from them. It's so heart breaking.

Though I think by what you have told me - my daughter is more dangerous. I wouldn't live to think you are in danger my friend as I would be really worried for you, regardless if I am in the same situation. Hope that makes some sense. 

I am so glad you have the love of your children - I have my husband's. That keeps us going. 

But I think now I have to learn to leave my emotions for my daughter at the door. As she is manipulating me. I am usually very good at ignoring this, moving away and not letting this effect me with anyone else. But as you know I have such difficulty because I cannot sever the nurturing bond effectively - and she is using that against me. It's become a weakness she is using. Very cruel as it's also very natural. Knowing this now, I can equip myself to deal with her better by not letting her win over with manipulation. I have to stand up to her.

But the grief that someone I loved so selflessly and fully, whom was once so close to; whom is now is treating me with such contempt is just terrible and what I have trouble dealing with. I would run from this if it were anyone else but it's my child. And it stops me from living a normal life - e.g. I lack motivation and don't want to leave the house. I have to force myself.  And then the nightmares....do you struggle this way @Faith-and-Hope? You definitely don't have to answer if not comfortable.  I just need some help to break those emotional ties and the fear of losing another child that keeps me in this situation. Well if I am to be honest with myself, I have lost her anyway. I just cannot resign to this yet.

I would ask her to definitely leave if she had somewhere to go. If only she did as I could help her better from a distance. 

Has the situation with your husband settle abit for now? I know how painful and difficult it can be to talk about it When you are ready I am here for you too. Hugs xx 💜🌹

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Maggie. I knew we had a connection. I can use your songs in the production of my movie 🎥, lol!! But sincerely I believe if we can shake off our mental scars and the depression that so oppresses creativity, clear thought and motivation - I believe we would achieve to some degree what we set out to do. It really does start off with an idea, with a dream, and then building on our natural talents. Which mind you also takes a lot of work! (researching and editing for me, learning to write music etc for you).  And hard work and self belief accomplishes a lot. But would not be enough unless from the heart. The latter is the key to any success. Pursue your dream @Maggie - that's what truly makes us alive.

I do understand that my situation is not an easy one to answer or advise. I think sometimes I know what I have to do - I just need someone not emotionally attached to give me a push! Just knowing you are all there behind me and that you care drives my spirit forward. I appreciate all your posts. Thank you for being there my friend xx