its ok, and please dont stress over trying to respond if your not up for it and nor trying to explain yourself. I can hear you were getting abit anxious about that so please dont worry. If the words dont flow out straight away thats ok, if it comes to you in the middle of the night then come back here write and tag me. I will be here to listen and support you the very best I can in with the wonderful supports you have here as well. Just thought id address that bit first before fulling responding.
Thats all they are though, they are only short circuit breakers which I understand we all need and atm im very much debating there but I also promised I wouldnt go back there as it would cause my pop too much distress and it would make me worse and the results of what would happen when I got out would also make things worse for me so its kinda out of the questions atm. 'its just another attention seeking thing' is their response.
I understand the despair your feeling, I really do and a lot of the times its easier to just give in rather than fight. So dont fight, float. As your doing now. Just float, dont make decisions, dont act on those thoughts just float and know they are only thoughts. Hard to do I know.
Finding a purpose isnt an easy thing to do. Not in the slightest way. Your not sounding selfish @Sans911 not at all. It all is making sense and it goes hand in hand with the way your feeling. Fear is a massive thing, self conscicience is one of the most powerful things to contend with and when you put the 2 of them together it seems like there is no way out ; it seems impossible.
I can hear your despiar regarding your career and I know you liked where you worked before hand but its something to think about as an option as you start to feel alittle better, when you feel that only time will tell but you are strong. You just have to find it within yourself, how you do that im not sure as I struggle with it myself. But I have to try and believe there is something worth waiting for in this life.
Tread water sis, and we will tread it with you and when you get tired we will help you back up 
sending loads of hugs
going to the respite centre is up to you @Sans911 it might help but sometimes it helps to recover at home first and you seem well enough aware when you have recovered enough to resurface. if you do start to feel unsafe please do get some help though ok, you are worth it and you deserve the help you can get.
for now i know your exhausted so ill just sit here with you and hold your hand. and im sure Nell will be around here too.
hugs and hugs
@Sans911it seems you are really struggling today hun. Will sit with you all night if you need me too. Big hugs for you. Even though she said some really rude things yesterday, it was good that she came by to check on you.
@Former-Member